Crawling Out the Shell: Learning Vulnerabilty

C

vulnerability

“The Earth would die, if the Sun stopped kissing her.”

-Hafiz

The greatest gift my Mamaiay gave me was opportunity when she came to America. The greatest subject my Mamaiay taught me was resourcefulness so that I could make the most out of it. I take a ridiculous amount of pride in my independence, and my ability to make something out of nothing. I seldom give up or ask for help with anything, and if I do, it’s only after I’ve exhausted all other options. I’ve always been an all-or-nothing type of person – I’ll give something 100% or I’ll say, “fuck it” and walk away. During my Amazon annual review, my boss told me my superpower is “tenacity,” although, she said sometimes I get so laser focused and excited I go too-fast and end up running head first through a wall. Oddly enough, this analogy transfers over to my personal relationships quite well.

I’ve recently learned about Love Languages and I’ve found that I communicate love through Acts of Service and wish to receive love through Words of Affirmation. I used to feel that I loved my friends, family and lovers irrationally hard and that the effort I was putting in wasn’t being reciprocated. – When in reality, we were just speaking different languages, and I’m sure they were thinking the same about me. For example, a childhood friend of mine would get on my ass about how we’re not close anymore because we don’t spend much time together. Her love language is Quality Time whereas I could care less about the amount of time I spend with someone so long as they’re present for moments that matter. I would show her I cared through Acts of Service such as doing favors when she needed something but that didn’t translate as love in her language.

Assumptions plague the gaps of absent communication. Whenever I felt someone did me wrong I’d come up with senile storylines in my head (what, why, when, how) instead of putting my pride aside and letting myself be vulnerable via open communication. We live in a society where it seems so cool to not care about people and to just say fuck off or disappear and not put in work. We want to feel good and if anyone isn’t fulfilling that role we chuck up the deuces…in the age of Social Media relationships are becoming increasingly disposable and replenishable.

Ego is one hell of a drug. Sometimes I wonder if it’s human nature or a social construct to think that everything revolves around us and everyone else is supposed to play a supporting role. What if – my whole purpose in life is to play a supporting role in other people’s lives and not necessarily vice-versa? I’m realizing that everyone is on their own pursuit of happiness and you just can’t take that shit personally. Yet, I can’t help but think about the relationships that’ve gone sour and the people I still miss and think about, but they have no idea. Do they miss me? Do they love or hate me? Or worse…are they indifferent? Would I gain closure if I spoke the words I’ve left unsaid? Is “closure” just an excuse to open old wounds? Are all relationships salvageable? Why is it so much easier to build a fence than a bridge?

There’s this one person I still think about all the time…I wonder if my vulnerability can outclimb his walls and if his soul can feel mine.

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rahwasthoughts

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