Clipping at the Wings of a Butterfly



You can’t make homes out of human beings,
Someone should have already told you that.
― Warsan Shire

I’ve always loved beautiful things and indulged in the lavish – I’ve had nice cars, modernly furnished homes, designer clothes, etc. I’m relentless when I want something, and am sometimes impulsive when fulfilling my desires – this tenacity has served me extremely well in my career. However, this “all gas no brakes” framework doesn’t fare well in my relationships with individuals. Tenacity can not help you change, or acquire a person that doesn’t want to be kept. I’m so used to persistence getting me what I want – but I want to break the cycle of subconsciously applying this to people.

I’ve been reflecting on times it’s been reinforced that ownership is synonymous with value…owning a car vs leasing, owning a home vs renting, having your own family vs fostering, marriage vs dating. It’s made me question; why do we as humans place so much emphasis on contractual commitment and exclusivity?

So, I met someone…who was kind of like a butterfly. He was attractive, graceful, and sparked my interest and curiosity. The more that I spoke to him and the more time I spent with him, he far exceeded my expectations. He embodied all the elements that I wanted in a partner. I started developing feelings after a short period of time (atypical for me) and indirectly was seeking exclusivity. My inability to control my desire and delay gratification, ultimately led to my demise.

A spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.

When I was more easy going everything felt effortless….I felt like what we had was magic. Then, as my feelings became more developed…I became a little less pleasant. Our conversations would go south and I found myself increasingly annoyed and frustrated…because,  I didn’t see where we were going and I didn’t want to waste my time – yet, I loved talking to him. I felt like I was running and grasping at the wings of a Butterfly saying “I like you,” “I want you,” “Where are you going? Stay here.” which in turn, caused the Butterfly to flee. The more I tried to tether someone that brought me joy, the further away he traveled.

I’m trying to un-teach myself that people are constant, and just learn to appreciate those as they come as opposed to projecting expectations.  What’s meant for me will come naturally, and I have to be okay with letting it go just as freely. I can’t help but think how many people were square pegs that I tried to fit in the round hole of my desires.

I’m still a work in progress and am learning to love healthier.

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